It feels like a mental shift into another reality. Not sure if it’s really a shift or just some sort of linear movement. Truthfully an abstract lateral move is a sobering description but more accurate to be sure. Existing in a space that isn’t recognizable — lost terrain, undiscovered, but most likely untraveled until now for good reason. For movement into this space is not good, has never proven to be worthwhile, prosperous or even sane.
The descent.
One can spend their entire life escaping the descent. I have witnessed it. Experienced it. Continually recreating and pushing so that you don’t fall flat, fail, slow down, don’t-matter-no-more. So you achieve, push, climb and feel contented. Motivated by the prospect that you will look back at that mountain of life and know that you climbed the crap out of it. Looking downward to the left and right and seeing all those people who didn’t quite make it — the “achievement road kill” if you like. Many of them are like ghosts. Ghosts from a past when you were climbing quickly toward them, certain that you would pass them and in the end feel that your achievements would far surpass theirs. And that would make you great, unique, and wonderfully complete. Your friends would admire you, family would brag about you and lovers endlessly desire you. Because you — you are the sh*t. Your life is special. Not like the other “special” people, but really and truly special because you have done things and think in ways that other people couldn’t possibly do or think if they tried.
People who fail do so out of their own will, surely.
Regret is what happens when you don’t think. Don’t plan. Don’t work hard enough and most certainly aren’t smart enough. But this isn’t you because you have been told by everyone you have ever met that you are smart. That you are special. That you are great. The end is never close because you know that decisions you have made have prepared you for this moment – for every moment and any eventuality.
Then, in that way that all of life’s incredibly real moments occur — without warning, precedent or guidance — the descent begins. And this is the moment you have feared since you were old enough to conceive failure. From that moment when you came of age and comments of ‘you are so smart” morphed into “you should be a lawyer”, “you would make a great executive” and full-fledged chest-beating accomplishments became the only option.
Looking down at the mountain does not give you the sense of accomplishment that you expected and, worse yet, as you look into the future the peak is a murky place with unsure footing and storm clouds brewing.
Now, as you are running out of time for reinventions and risky endeavors, you can’t help but to think of the coworker with the greying hair that you would just slightly mistreat 15 years ago that you have now become. What a tragedy it is to now work with and abhor a younger version of yourself. It’s like looking at a cracked mirror that somehow manages to cut you just enough to bleed but not enough to finish the job.
For the latter seems less painful. A slow, bleeding out perhaps. The kind where you know what’s coming but it masquerades itself as a calming relaxing deep sleep. Yes, that would be better, drifting off into an even newer lateral existence that removes the unforgiving nature of time rapidly gaining speed and pushing you towards an inevitable and painful end.
Yes, that would suit me just fine.
