Its taking me longer to create a music playlist these days. I have one that is 8 months in the making so far, or maybe more not really sure.
I can only watch about 5 minutes of a game. Two or three passes of the ball and I quickly turn it off.
Watching a television show proves difficult — spoilers be damned. Often I don’t finish a season or series. Doesn’t really bother me much these days.
Because the distractions aren’t working anymore.
Now I read news and articles about our real and cruel world. Written and visual stories that tell of an existence that is way worse than I can imagine. Morbid fascinations, car crash rubbernecking. I am hooked on real events. I don’t drink much anymore, this used to be a regular panacea – after the weed of course. I used to smoke so much I would lose whole weekends.
News stories, visual storytelling, articles, journals, Medium. Here is where the dopamine gets triggered. I don’t go hard on sugar, caffeine or nicotine but clicking on that news feed gives me that much needed chemical boost.
T****p say that Hillary is a Martian
Obama responds to Putin’s aggressions with aggression
Netanyahu cries victim while emotionlessly exterminating brown babies
And the obligatory
9 year old black boy shot by police officer who feared for his life when slingshot was mistaken for a shotgun
This reality drug keeps me checking, looking, reading, reacting and keeps my head spinning — angry, nervous, hopeless, happy, joyful, aloof and terrified all at the same time. How is it that human beings can be this evil? So self-absorbed, self-serving, greedy and hateful. How can the same species operate in such extremes of savagery and kindness?
Music. Music always worked. Somehow it felt as though I was physically in that space, that melody, rhythm – journeying through the intros, breaks, choruses and crescendos. Everything else disappeared. The extreme solitude of pubescence, the evolving confidence of the college years, the ego driven bravado of my 20s, the exploratory 30s. Music has always been my safe space, steady beam and regrounding source.
But even the melodies struggle to compete with the deafening sound of troubling times. How can I expect Miles, Marvin or Prince to mute the loudening thud of despair and hatred steadily and mercilessly crafting a society so viciously intolerant of others?
The distractions aren’t working anymore. For there is far too much to despair. Far too much to fear.
The distractions don’t work anymore, for dark times are here.
